We ran out of goodbyes

I do miss her. I do miss being near her, although last time I was near her, every thing she said, did or better say didn't say or didn't do, hurt me and made me cry. Despite of me falling out of love.

How does it work? One day you are so deeply in love with someone...and then you go through certain heartaches...take on you more than you can. You believe that you are strong, that you can handle anything. That you can forgive everything. Forgive and forget? Truly?

I ran out of goodbyes. I could stay there and be unhappy and hope that something would change but life is so short and I do know that I deserve to be happy. I do know that love doesn't have to hurt. I do know that I don't have to compromise on important core values.

I will miss her. Or better say her, whom I fell in love with not that person, whom I saw in the end. I wish she sought help...I wish she knew. I wish she didn't take me for grated.

I was so easy to replace. I have no right to complain. I left her. I took that decision. I made that wish on a falling star. It came true. So unexpectedly. How weird. It is hard to rip that part of your heart away...try to toss it.

Is it weird to miss her even though I am not in love any more? Is is weird to be sad some times? Is it wrong to cry about it? What am I even crying about? It was all wrong. All of it. Every day would hurt. Does it hurt she is with someone else? Why should it? I am with someone else too....I wish I knew. I know nothing. I just know that being away from her right now is the best choice I can make. She makes me so angry with her posts though. She knows I read them. She knows I will find a way. She knows she stabs me with it. Why do I let her hurting me even when she is so far?

Is it right to be getting involved with someone new? Who will leave for sure. This relationship already has an expiration date...but I am getting drowned in those blue eyes day by day. I can't imagine my morning without her...but can I handle it? Can I handle that weekend when she will leave my house for good? Final hug and final goodbye.

Can I handle those conversation in the car...."I am not ready to commit...what re we doing?...we need to calm down..." I guess that's what a rebound is for. Rebound, ha. Never had one. Or may be that's what Maggy was for? It definitely helps.

Every time I am alone, something starts haunting me. How did I get over Fulvio? I was all alone. I don't even remember much of that time. A friend said I was like a zombie. I remember the pain in my back...can it physically hurt when your heart breaks?

I guess, that's how you learn not to have any expectations. That's how you learn that you are nothing spacial...just a speck. Nobody will care that much about you.